Past/Future

Today is May first...I wanted to start this blog yesterday because I needed someone to talk to who wouldn't judge. First off no one who reads this will know who I am and secondly it is nice to talk without interruption. Right now is a crazy time in my life. I keep realizing that past occurances affect the future in more ways than I can imagine. It seems that it keeps coming back to not only haunt me, but to ruin everything I have built. I grew up in many places, never really settling in one place for very long. It seemed that everytime I had a new relationship, I would end up having to leave them behind. Because of this and other things like my father giving up rights and me never knowing him. I can remember one time that I saw him and it was for a few minutes of a ride to my grandmothers work. He pretty much didn't care about me and showed it when he didn't come to my high school graduation. It was a very long time ago, but I have learned from example that men are not to be trusted and they always leave. I am now married with children and it seems that it still affects me. I realized that I do not trust anyone including family and women. It is a crazy thing to go through life not trusting anyone but yourself. Sometimes I don't even think I can trust myself...I say one thing and I really mean another or what I want to say something I don't and it ends up eating me alive. I have found that people are very jealous and will stop at nothing to make you just as miserable as them. If anyone reads this and finds it worth while I will write another blog with better details!